Dear God,
So I have been thinking more about blessings. I realize how truly and utterly ungrateful I am. As the Lord continues to bless me I feel so, undeserving. Before when I prayed, (which was once every blue moon, normally in times of trouble) I would thank God for waking me up, putting food on the table and clothes on my back, etc. Yet that is all I did, was say those things. I don't think I ever realized the meaning behind those words. I have no idea what it means to be hungry. Yet I waste food and complain when a waiter "takes to long" or when there is no "snack food" and I actually have to cook something. I've never been denied education or persecuted in pursuit of it. Yet I complain about too much homework or professors I dislike. I complain about money yet all my needs and then some have been provided for me. I've never been without a place to sleep. I have both my parents. I have traveled across the country and outside of it as well. I am in good health, the worst I ever had was some minor food poisoning, yet I complain when I have a cold. I've never broken any major bones. I have full functionality of all my five senses. I was born in a religious household with a mother who cared for and about my salvation. Yet I have taken these things and many more as "expected". Meaning I expected these things from my life as if they were my right and not my privilege.
I have so much to be thankful for, so much bestowed upon someone so unworthy. I have squandered MANY blessings due to such thinking. Just thinking of all the wasted blessings makes me shudder as the Lord continues to bless me. I feel like God has given me *talent after talent after talent and I keep burying them over and over and over again. As I continue this journey I am learning to be faithful in the little things. How can I expect God to bless me with more when I squander and take for grant it the little I have? May the Lord continue to work in me and mold me into his humble servant.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
*talent = For those unfamiliar with the reference of the Parable of the Talents read here: Matthew 25:14-30
Monday, April 14, 2014
04/14/2014 (Part One)
Dear God,
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Isn’t there more to life than food and more to the body than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky: They do not sow, or reap, or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you more valuable than they are? And which of you by worrying can add even one hour to his life? Why do you worry about clothing? Think about how the flowers of the field grow; they do not work or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was clothed like one of these! And if this is how God clothes the wild grass, which is here today and tomorrow is tossed into the fire to heat the oven, won’t he clothe you even more, you people of little faith? So then, don’t worry saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ For the unconverted pursue these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own.
-- Matthew 6:25-34
There are three things that "irk" me like no other when listening to sermons/preachers. The first is a sermon solely based on cliche "godly" sayings to make one "feel good" with no scriptural substance. The second is hell, fire, and brimstone preaching as a way to scare people into Christianity, and the third which I have been thinking about of late and the context for this scripture is prosperity preaching. Just something about making God some magic genie that fulfills all ones wishes doesn't sit well with me. God doesn't owe us anything. Out of his grace and mercy he gave us salvation through Christ Jesus. He gave us his only son to die(John 3:16). So I feel, I don't know, wrong in feeling angry with God if he didn't bless me the way I wanted to be blessed, or when I felt he should have blessed me. This doesn't mean I don't, every once in a while I do. I say things like "Guess you forgot about me God" or "Am I being punished?". Yet afterwards I feel a sense of regret and deep sorrow. For if I took just a couple seconds to think on my life I would realize how utterly and truly blessed I am and how unworthy I am of such. Yet he still continues to bless me and provide for me. I continue to see his hand in my many problems day in and day out. Even in times when I have strayed from him. Just in the past few hours he has continue to bless me. Also as I am learning to humble myself I am learning to be dependent upon God. To trust in him and place my anxieties upon him. Such a simple sentence but it is one of the most difficult things for me to do. For so long I have lived with a self-sufficient attitude towards life. If you merged a micro-manager and a worry wart with a dash of indecisiveness you would have me. May the Lord continue to work in me and create in me a pure heart and a humble spirit.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Isn’t there more to life than food and more to the body than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky: They do not sow, or reap, or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you more valuable than they are? And which of you by worrying can add even one hour to his life? Why do you worry about clothing? Think about how the flowers of the field grow; they do not work or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was clothed like one of these! And if this is how God clothes the wild grass, which is here today and tomorrow is tossed into the fire to heat the oven, won’t he clothe you even more, you people of little faith? So then, don’t worry saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ For the unconverted pursue these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own.
-- Matthew 6:25-34
There are three things that "irk" me like no other when listening to sermons/preachers. The first is a sermon solely based on cliche "godly" sayings to make one "feel good" with no scriptural substance. The second is hell, fire, and brimstone preaching as a way to scare people into Christianity, and the third which I have been thinking about of late and the context for this scripture is prosperity preaching. Just something about making God some magic genie that fulfills all ones wishes doesn't sit well with me. God doesn't owe us anything. Out of his grace and mercy he gave us salvation through Christ Jesus. He gave us his only son to die(John 3:16). So I feel, I don't know, wrong in feeling angry with God if he didn't bless me the way I wanted to be blessed, or when I felt he should have blessed me. This doesn't mean I don't, every once in a while I do. I say things like "Guess you forgot about me God" or "Am I being punished?". Yet afterwards I feel a sense of regret and deep sorrow. For if I took just a couple seconds to think on my life I would realize how utterly and truly blessed I am and how unworthy I am of such. Yet he still continues to bless me and provide for me. I continue to see his hand in my many problems day in and day out. Even in times when I have strayed from him. Just in the past few hours he has continue to bless me. Also as I am learning to humble myself I am learning to be dependent upon God. To trust in him and place my anxieties upon him. Such a simple sentence but it is one of the most difficult things for me to do. For so long I have lived with a self-sufficient attitude towards life. If you merged a micro-manager and a worry wart with a dash of indecisiveness you would have me. May the Lord continue to work in me and create in me a pure heart and a humble spirit.
Create for me a pure heart, O God!
Renew a resolute spirit within me! Do not reject me!
Do not take your Holy Spirit away from me!
Renew a resolute spirit within me! Do not reject me!
Do not take your Holy Spirit away from me!
Let me again experience the joy of your deliverance!
Sustain me by giving me the desire to obey!
Sustain me by giving me the desire to obey!
--Psalm 51:10-12
From,
Your Humbled Servant
04/13/2014
Dear God,
How easily indwelling sin tries to trick us in times of peace. Although now that I am more acquainted with it, I have by the grace of God become more vigilant. Although I still struggle, sin is enticing, if it wasn't no one would do it. Though I pray that Christ would continue his good work in me that I may withstand such attacks as only he can mortify the "old man" as I am a new creature in Christ.
To be more specific I caught myself falling back into old routines, ones which I know to well where they lead. As soon as things started to go "well" in my life I began to relax, I didn't pray as much, didn't read the bible as much, etc. Yet I noticed the lack, and was able to stop before thing got to far. Lord, thank you for showing me the error of my ways that I may not stray from you.
In hindsight I realize that one needs to be most vigilant in times of blessings as we so easily forget who helped us in our dark times and from whom such blessings comes from. May I continue to stay humble and follow him.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
How easily indwelling sin tries to trick us in times of peace. Although now that I am more acquainted with it, I have by the grace of God become more vigilant. Although I still struggle, sin is enticing, if it wasn't no one would do it. Though I pray that Christ would continue his good work in me that I may withstand such attacks as only he can mortify the "old man" as I am a new creature in Christ.
To be more specific I caught myself falling back into old routines, ones which I know to well where they lead. As soon as things started to go "well" in my life I began to relax, I didn't pray as much, didn't read the bible as much, etc. Yet I noticed the lack, and was able to stop before thing got to far. Lord, thank you for showing me the error of my ways that I may not stray from you.
In hindsight I realize that one needs to be most vigilant in times of blessings as we so easily forget who helped us in our dark times and from whom such blessings comes from. May I continue to stay humble and follow him.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
04/12/2014
Dear God,
Things have become so much more peaceful now that I have placed my anxieties in God's hands. This doesn't mean I just sit idle. Just that I know as I face the problems of life I have God on my side to help me. I do not need to worry for he will provide for me. For the past couple of days I have been listening to John Piper's series on Pride & Humility one of the many things I struggle with. Especially his sermon, Are You Humble Enough to Be Care-Free?
I realized that I had been for so long trying to solve all my problems by sheer will power. That only I could change things, that if I just tried hard enough I could do it. Another thing that I am learning as God is humbling me is how to ask others for help. Before I wouldn't ever ask others for help because I didn't want to look incompetent or stupid. I would put on a false sense of self sufficiency when on the inside everything was falling apart. How naive I was. I pray that the Lord will continue to work in me and that I may gain a servants heart and I may produce the fruits of the Spirit.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such
things there is no law."
-- Galatians 5:22-23
-- Galatians 5:22-23
I realize now that I was trying to achieve this minus the God part, which is foolish as these are manifestations from the Holy Spirit that God has given us. That he sent his Son to die to give us a way in that we may be saved. How unworthy I am of such things. Yet he still continues to work in me.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
04/11/2014
Dear God,
I was able to support someone in there spiritual journey today. They had started to question there faith. By the work you made in me and the change in my life I was able to give them comfort. What a wonderful feeling knowing that through you I was able to help someone else. May I continue to be of use to you.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
I was able to support someone in there spiritual journey today. They had started to question there faith. By the work you made in me and the change in my life I was able to give them comfort. What a wonderful feeling knowing that through you I was able to help someone else. May I continue to be of use to you.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
04/10/2014
Dear God,
I understand now why people wish to share you with others. To have others feel what you feel. The sense of peace, comfort, and joy. Someone close to me I see in certain times a struggle, a lack of joy. I don't mean one must forever be joyful but during difficult times it is nice to know you have someone there for you, who loves and cares for you well being. Yet I do not know how to help them as they have known me for most of my life and my recent transformation in God may seem odd or even "fake" to them because literally a few weeks before I was in the same place they are in. Which leads me to another conclusion that like the past me who was stubborn and didn't listen, it will take Gods divine grace to move that which I can't. So here I pray that the same work God made in me He would make in them. Although I pray that I may be able to help them avoid the same "experience" I had to get there.
Back-story time, I had become someone who was self-righteous, self-reliant, and prideful and it took a Greek tragedy fall multiple times before I realized that I was doing something wrong. That I needed to humble myself, to place my cares upon Him. Not just in times of need but in prosperity. I needed him to guide me and work in me that I may become a servant, humbled by Him. Yet this was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn. For someone who feels they can conquer the world if they only try hard enough, that they need to submit themselves to another is a hard pill to swallow. I pray that through my own testimony/experience I can help her on her journey.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
I understand now why people wish to share you with others. To have others feel what you feel. The sense of peace, comfort, and joy. Someone close to me I see in certain times a struggle, a lack of joy. I don't mean one must forever be joyful but during difficult times it is nice to know you have someone there for you, who loves and cares for you well being. Yet I do not know how to help them as they have known me for most of my life and my recent transformation in God may seem odd or even "fake" to them because literally a few weeks before I was in the same place they are in. Which leads me to another conclusion that like the past me who was stubborn and didn't listen, it will take Gods divine grace to move that which I can't. So here I pray that the same work God made in me He would make in them. Although I pray that I may be able to help them avoid the same "experience" I had to get there.
Back-story time, I had become someone who was self-righteous, self-reliant, and prideful and it took a Greek tragedy fall multiple times before I realized that I was doing something wrong. That I needed to humble myself, to place my cares upon Him. Not just in times of need but in prosperity. I needed him to guide me and work in me that I may become a servant, humbled by Him. Yet this was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn. For someone who feels they can conquer the world if they only try hard enough, that they need to submit themselves to another is a hard pill to swallow. I pray that through my own testimony/experience I can help her on her journey.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
04/09/2014
Dear God,
You have blessed my soul with a song that reached the depths of my spirit. May it touch others as it has touched me. How he saved me from the depths of despair and cared for such a broken soul. How unworthy I was, I still am yet He saved me, enveloped by His grace.
Listen Here (If you have Spotify)
(Or you can buy from Amazon for .99 cents)
You have blessed my soul with a song that reached the depths of my spirit. May it touch others as it has touched me. How he saved me from the depths of despair and cared for such a broken soul. How unworthy I was, I still am yet He saved me, enveloped by His grace.
Listen Here (If you have Spotify)
(Or you can buy from Amazon for .99 cents)
Lord Please Save Me
by The Brilliance
Mocked as I fell
Broken man with his bed in Hell
Dug my own grave
I can hear all the voices say
Hypocrite, oh, hypocrite
Lord please help
The end of my rope
I have no other place to go
Run away, oh, run away
Lord please help
Run away, oh, run away
Lord please help
Mercy
Lord, have mercy on me
Mercy
Lord, have mercy on me
[Music interlude]
Cry out to You, I cry out to You
Lord, please help
Cry out to You, I cry out to You
Lord, please help me
Mercy
Lord, have mercy on me
Mercy
Lord, have mercy on me
Broken man with his bed in Hell
Dug my own grave
I can hear all the voices say
Hypocrite, oh, hypocrite
Lord please help
The end of my rope
I have no other place to go
Run away, oh, run away
Lord please help
Run away, oh, run away
Lord please help
Mercy
Lord, have mercy on me
Mercy
Lord, have mercy on me
[Music interlude]
Cry out to You, I cry out to You
Lord, please help
Cry out to You, I cry out to You
Lord, please help me
Mercy
Lord, have mercy on me
Mercy
Lord, have mercy on me
Lord I pray that you continue to speak, guide, watch and care for this servant of yours. May I be a women after your own heart.
After removing Saul, he made David their king. God testified concerning him: ‘I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.’ -- Acts 13:22
From,
Your Humbled Servant
04/08/2014
Dear God,
Today I was granted peace. It was so simple. I was listening to my christian/gospel music while washing dishes and a feeling came over, one of grace and stillness. I felt like no matter what happened at that moment everything was going to be okay. Although currently I am dealing with many things in my life, I felt that it would all work out and I could just let go and place my burdens upon him. Lately I feel closer to Him, as if I'm reaching areas I haven't seen yet and what he is revealing to me is beautiful beyond compare. The silent, gentleness of his grace envelopes me. Yet even in times of peace I am vigilant of indwelling sin. As I have felt similar before but I let my pride and blindness tear me asunder and when I finally was able to see, the world had gone dark. I had lost my way and fed my sinful nature.
Also I notice a change in those around me. I don't know if it is me seeing them through Gods eyes or God is affecting people through me. Whichever I am happy to be his humble servant and do his will. Although he has revealed to me another area of weakness. Patience. For so long I have been living my life in only two speeds, parked or top gear. Nothing in between and so now I am learning to slow down and appreciate life, I tend to try to hurry people and avoid them when they need help as I had better things to do(read as: Play games, watch tv, social media, mindlessly surfing the internet). So I learned to give my time to others while still keeping time for myself for more meaningful endeavors first God then other responsibilities like cleaning, school work, and other commitments. I am trying and I pray God work and mold me into the patient person I know I can be.
I also realize I am lazy or slothful, this more on the procrastination front. I waste time, precious time the lord has granted me. Every second I breath is a blessing from God for he can take me at any time. I need to learn to utilize my time better. I pray Lord that you will give me strength and will to be a master of my time. Guide me in the way I am suppose to go.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
Today I was granted peace. It was so simple. I was listening to my christian/gospel music while washing dishes and a feeling came over, one of grace and stillness. I felt like no matter what happened at that moment everything was going to be okay. Although currently I am dealing with many things in my life, I felt that it would all work out and I could just let go and place my burdens upon him. Lately I feel closer to Him, as if I'm reaching areas I haven't seen yet and what he is revealing to me is beautiful beyond compare. The silent, gentleness of his grace envelopes me. Yet even in times of peace I am vigilant of indwelling sin. As I have felt similar before but I let my pride and blindness tear me asunder and when I finally was able to see, the world had gone dark. I had lost my way and fed my sinful nature.
Also I notice a change in those around me. I don't know if it is me seeing them through Gods eyes or God is affecting people through me. Whichever I am happy to be his humble servant and do his will. Although he has revealed to me another area of weakness. Patience. For so long I have been living my life in only two speeds, parked or top gear. Nothing in between and so now I am learning to slow down and appreciate life, I tend to try to hurry people and avoid them when they need help as I had better things to do(read as: Play games, watch tv, social media, mindlessly surfing the internet). So I learned to give my time to others while still keeping time for myself for more meaningful endeavors first God then other responsibilities like cleaning, school work, and other commitments. I am trying and I pray God work and mold me into the patient person I know I can be.
I also realize I am lazy or slothful, this more on the procrastination front. I waste time, precious time the lord has granted me. Every second I breath is a blessing from God for he can take me at any time. I need to learn to utilize my time better. I pray Lord that you will give me strength and will to be a master of my time. Guide me in the way I am suppose to go.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
04/07/2014
Dear God,
Today I spent all day helping a friend. The friend usually compensates me for my time but this instance he didn't. I don't know if he forgot or didn't have it. Normally I would be angry or a little hurt at this but the Lord has been working in me. He has shown me peace and that I should want to help others, a servant doesn't do things looking for a reward or accolades. He has also been teaching me to be humble and so I helped because he was in need and am happy that God had granted me the skills and abilities to fulfill that need. May I continue to be a help to others.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
Today I spent all day helping a friend. The friend usually compensates me for my time but this instance he didn't. I don't know if he forgot or didn't have it. Normally I would be angry or a little hurt at this but the Lord has been working in me. He has shown me peace and that I should want to help others, a servant doesn't do things looking for a reward or accolades. He has also been teaching me to be humble and so I helped because he was in need and am happy that God had granted me the skills and abilities to fulfill that need. May I continue to be a help to others.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
04/06/2014
Dear God,
He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. -- Friedrich Nietzche
It is scary when one realizes that those you mocked, who you despise you have become. I had become a Pharisee. I had believed myself self-righteous and above others for not falling to certain temptations and would reproach others who did. Although in my mind I never saw myself as such. I believed myself doing Gods will and helping those who struggled. I have been reading the books The Enemy Within by Kris Lundgaard and Overcoming Sin and Temptation by John Owen. Both dealing with indwelling sin. I realized when one believes all is well and doing Gods "will" is when one should be MOST vigilant against sin. When one is not fighting sin then sin is fighting you.
Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. --Luke 9:23
I realize now that when ever I prayed or felt God's presence I felt that I had "won" over sin. That whatever was battling my soul had lost. This is when I let my guard down, and sin in its tenacious manner came against me and I end up back where I started, wondering how I could fall for the same things all over again. Now I realize that one must be vigilant daily. Sin doesn't take a break, or "lose". Also the only way to fight such is through God's grace, his Holy Spirit. In error I had thought if I "acted" a certain way or spent so much time doing "Godly things" that I could conquer sin and its temptations. I am slowly learning how to give myself to God. For so long I tried to be independent, that through my sheer will I could change things, and after failing time and time again I think I'm slowly starting to understand. How much lighter the burden is when you are not alone. May I not stray from you again.
From,
You Humbled Servant
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You
hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will
see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. -- Matthew 7:3-5
He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. -- Friedrich Nietzche
It is scary when one realizes that those you mocked, who you despise you have become. I had become a Pharisee. I had believed myself self-righteous and above others for not falling to certain temptations and would reproach others who did. Although in my mind I never saw myself as such. I believed myself doing Gods will and helping those who struggled. I have been reading the books The Enemy Within by Kris Lundgaard and Overcoming Sin and Temptation by John Owen. Both dealing with indwelling sin. I realized when one believes all is well and doing Gods "will" is when one should be MOST vigilant against sin. When one is not fighting sin then sin is fighting you.
Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. --Luke 9:23
I realize now that when ever I prayed or felt God's presence I felt that I had "won" over sin. That whatever was battling my soul had lost. This is when I let my guard down, and sin in its tenacious manner came against me and I end up back where I started, wondering how I could fall for the same things all over again. Now I realize that one must be vigilant daily. Sin doesn't take a break, or "lose". Also the only way to fight such is through God's grace, his Holy Spirit. In error I had thought if I "acted" a certain way or spent so much time doing "Godly things" that I could conquer sin and its temptations. I am slowly learning how to give myself to God. For so long I tried to be independent, that through my sheer will I could change things, and after failing time and time again I think I'm slowly starting to understand. How much lighter the burden is when you are not alone. May I not stray from you again.
From,
You Humbled Servant
Sunday, April 6, 2014
04/05/2014
Dear God,
I realized that without my knowledge I have been chained. Realizing that you have become addicted to something only makes the addiction worse because your try to rationalize the situation which doesn't need to be. It just needs to stop. Lord I realize that I have gained another master and this one will be difficult to escape. It is my computer. Or more specifically the activities I use it for. When I have obligations to fulfill I will procrastinate by mindlessly surfing the web. When I should be interacting with family I'm playing games on my computer. When I should be reading the word I'm watching movies on the computer. When I'm feeling lonely, I skype on my computer. I believe that technology is a wonderful tool that can be helpful and progressive although I believe mine has become more then that. When I think of giving up certain TV shows or games I physically become ill and when trying to give them up I experience withdrawal symptoms, I rationalize why I'm being absurd in resisting the allure. I realize I'm using the activities on the computer to substitute for the lack of stimulation or purpose in my real life.
The sad thing is everyone else saw this addiction years before yet when confronted I became angry and agitated. Foolishly I didn't heed there warnings. I believe that if I did I could have saved myself many a heartache. Yet getting rid of this addiction will not be easy. I will need the strength of the Lord first and foremost and those of my family and friends for support. Although the hardest part seems to be admitting I need to be delivered from this addiction. Do I actually want to be freed? I'm not fully convinced yet. When I partake in these activities I feel happy, warm and satisfied yet the trade off is never equal usually sacrificing relationships and life opportunities for "virtual rewards" that have very little real world value. I feel like God has a calling for me yet I waste time he could be using me on other activities. So I begin my two prong attack on both procrastination and my internet/game addiction. May the Lord have mercy on my soul as I partake on this fifteen year in the making habit.
So I pray Lord for purpose, for direction, for knowledge and for strength. I can see the person I can be through you and I strive to achieve it.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
I realized that without my knowledge I have been chained. Realizing that you have become addicted to something only makes the addiction worse because your try to rationalize the situation which doesn't need to be. It just needs to stop. Lord I realize that I have gained another master and this one will be difficult to escape. It is my computer. Or more specifically the activities I use it for. When I have obligations to fulfill I will procrastinate by mindlessly surfing the web. When I should be interacting with family I'm playing games on my computer. When I should be reading the word I'm watching movies on the computer. When I'm feeling lonely, I skype on my computer. I believe that technology is a wonderful tool that can be helpful and progressive although I believe mine has become more then that. When I think of giving up certain TV shows or games I physically become ill and when trying to give them up I experience withdrawal symptoms, I rationalize why I'm being absurd in resisting the allure. I realize I'm using the activities on the computer to substitute for the lack of stimulation or purpose in my real life.
The sad thing is everyone else saw this addiction years before yet when confronted I became angry and agitated. Foolishly I didn't heed there warnings. I believe that if I did I could have saved myself many a heartache. Yet getting rid of this addiction will not be easy. I will need the strength of the Lord first and foremost and those of my family and friends for support. Although the hardest part seems to be admitting I need to be delivered from this addiction. Do I actually want to be freed? I'm not fully convinced yet. When I partake in these activities I feel happy, warm and satisfied yet the trade off is never equal usually sacrificing relationships and life opportunities for "virtual rewards" that have very little real world value. I feel like God has a calling for me yet I waste time he could be using me on other activities. So I begin my two prong attack on both procrastination and my internet/game addiction. May the Lord have mercy on my soul as I partake on this fifteen year in the making habit.
So I pray Lord for purpose, for direction, for knowledge and for strength. I can see the person I can be through you and I strive to achieve it.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
04/04/2014
Dear God,
How simple it is to fall into old routines. Lord you have been molding me, showing me things about myself I never realized. Revealing the more dark and hidden corners of my life. Yet once I felt like I had a "break through" I decided that was it. The moment I lowered my guard thinking myself now "divinely enlightened" I slowly slipped into the old habits that caused me so much grief in the first place. I realized that if I want to grow closer in the Lord, to obtain a servants heart it will need daily renewal, daily vigilance.
I have also found a new enemy, it is boredom or to some idleness. Yet it has been disguising itself. After I realize how thankful I should be for this time on earth I began to wonder if I have been using it wisely. I then realized that a majority of my time has been used for television shows and video games. I asked myself why waste such time? Neither of these activities are bad yet to me they have become vices as I realize what a large portion of my life they fill. Without them I would be "bored". I did not know what I could do to replace them. As I plan to remove or limit such activities I feel like an ex-smoker trying to fill a craving. Lord guide my path and lead my heart so I may please you.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
How simple it is to fall into old routines. Lord you have been molding me, showing me things about myself I never realized. Revealing the more dark and hidden corners of my life. Yet once I felt like I had a "break through" I decided that was it. The moment I lowered my guard thinking myself now "divinely enlightened" I slowly slipped into the old habits that caused me so much grief in the first place. I realized that if I want to grow closer in the Lord, to obtain a servants heart it will need daily renewal, daily vigilance.
I have also found a new enemy, it is boredom or to some idleness. Yet it has been disguising itself. After I realize how thankful I should be for this time on earth I began to wonder if I have been using it wisely. I then realized that a majority of my time has been used for television shows and video games. I asked myself why waste such time? Neither of these activities are bad yet to me they have become vices as I realize what a large portion of my life they fill. Without them I would be "bored". I did not know what I could do to replace them. As I plan to remove or limit such activities I feel like an ex-smoker trying to fill a craving. Lord guide my path and lead my heart so I may please you.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
Thursday, April 3, 2014
04/03/2014
Dear God,
Two have things have been shown to me by your grace. The first is that I am a prideful creature and that this warrants constant vigilance in my path of humility. How easily my thoughts turn towards my own self glorification. Almost as if such an act was integral to my being. I caught myself constantly repenting for my prideful thoughts all day. At times like this I try to remember the sacrifice the Lord has made for me and how truly unworthy I am to receive to such tender and perfect grace. It is a daily struggle.
The second is that I was never truly thankful before. Audibly I would thank Him for waking me up, food, clothes on my back but in my heart I had come to expect such things. I expected to wake up in the morning, for the sun to rise, for there to be food in the kitchen, for both my parents to be alive, to have a roof over my head. Today for the first time I realized how fleeting such things are. I cried when I thought of the loss of my parents(which is most profound as I haven't cried in years, my heart hardened by sin, it wasn't until the last few weeks that God humbled me that I have been able to cry), I was humbled in thinking if food was unavailable to me, if God decided that this morning I won't wake up. I then began to see the beauty in the small things. I realized how much time I was wasting on distractions such as games, television, and the like. Today I spent the day with my father. We didn't do anything spectacular. I watched him pre-bowl for a tournament. I went with him to get his haircut. I then began to realize how many moments like this I had missed because I was too busy with some videogame, movie, television show, or too tired. Such things will be there in the future but the time with my parents is terminal and fleeting and every moment spent with them is precious.
Today I didn't talk much with my parents but I was present with them. The simple act of watching them is a gift of God for soon they will be taken from me and I will never(while on this earth) be able to see them again, to hold them, to interact with them, and I had been wasting such precious moments on frivolous things. How blessed am I to wake up and say "good morning mother" and for the first time I am truly thankful. Not just for my parents but for the many, many blessings God has given me that I had taken for granted. I pray that God continues to work in me, I pray that he will cleanse me white as snow for today I have stumbled and fallen and given in to sin. Yet again he leads and helps me up again, as patient as ever and I pray that I may learn from my past sins and become closer to Him.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
Two have things have been shown to me by your grace. The first is that I am a prideful creature and that this warrants constant vigilance in my path of humility. How easily my thoughts turn towards my own self glorification. Almost as if such an act was integral to my being. I caught myself constantly repenting for my prideful thoughts all day. At times like this I try to remember the sacrifice the Lord has made for me and how truly unworthy I am to receive to such tender and perfect grace. It is a daily struggle.
The second is that I was never truly thankful before. Audibly I would thank Him for waking me up, food, clothes on my back but in my heart I had come to expect such things. I expected to wake up in the morning, for the sun to rise, for there to be food in the kitchen, for both my parents to be alive, to have a roof over my head. Today for the first time I realized how fleeting such things are. I cried when I thought of the loss of my parents(which is most profound as I haven't cried in years, my heart hardened by sin, it wasn't until the last few weeks that God humbled me that I have been able to cry), I was humbled in thinking if food was unavailable to me, if God decided that this morning I won't wake up. I then began to see the beauty in the small things. I realized how much time I was wasting on distractions such as games, television, and the like. Today I spent the day with my father. We didn't do anything spectacular. I watched him pre-bowl for a tournament. I went with him to get his haircut. I then began to realize how many moments like this I had missed because I was too busy with some videogame, movie, television show, or too tired. Such things will be there in the future but the time with my parents is terminal and fleeting and every moment spent with them is precious.
Today I didn't talk much with my parents but I was present with them. The simple act of watching them is a gift of God for soon they will be taken from me and I will never(while on this earth) be able to see them again, to hold them, to interact with them, and I had been wasting such precious moments on frivolous things. How blessed am I to wake up and say "good morning mother" and for the first time I am truly thankful. Not just for my parents but for the many, many blessings God has given me that I had taken for granted. I pray that God continues to work in me, I pray that he will cleanse me white as snow for today I have stumbled and fallen and given in to sin. Yet again he leads and helps me up again, as patient as ever and I pray that I may learn from my past sins and become closer to Him.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
04/02/2014
Dear God,
Today I realized many things I have not before. First I have been humbled. A lesson I needed as I realized now one of my greatest enemies in my walk is hubris or more aptly named pride. And like the Greek tragedies of old I have fallen. Although this would not be the first. But I think this is the first time I finally learned what you have been trying to teach me for many years now. A humbleness of spirit, or a servants heart. I did not realize my self-righteous nature for I had lived with it so long that it became a part of me. I had given it many names, that I was blunt, outspoken, telling it like it is. Yet what I was doing was putting myself on a pedestal, one of my own creation. Now that my pedestal has crumbled I'm left on the cold hard floor and I realize the falseness of my own superiority. So I call upon you that you may guide my steps.
Many people talk of there walk with you but I feel that anyone viewing our walk together would find it unsightly. For on this journey I am constantly stumbling, tripping, and falling and each time you slowly wait for me, encouraging me. Sometimes I fall and it seems to much so I cry in anguish that its to much, yet you still stop for me and grab my hand, gently helping me along. Sometimes I fall and I have no strength to carry on and you gently pick me up and cradle me in your arms till I have the strength to walk again. Other times the road becomes so dark that I can't see they way, you then grab my hand and with a squeeze reassure me that we will make it through. The darkness scares me and I hear things, sounds, temptations calling my name, yet I try to stay focused on the feeling of your hand because if I lose it I don't know if I could make it out of the darkness alone.
Then there are those rare times when we are walking in stride and you are showing me the beauty of the path we walk and things seem so much brighter, life has so much clarity. Then the voices return and call to me. Telling me to go faster and that I'm now strong enough to walk on my own. As I begin to pull ahead you call to me but I can't hear you. Soon I can no longer see you yet things seem to be going fine for a time, then I enter unfamiliar territory. I am no longer sure which way I am suppose to go but I continue on, confident that eventually I'll find the way. Things begin to get dark and I can no longer see the path. The air is cold and suddenly I realize the presence that guided me is gone. How could I have forgotten the one who had been leading me so far. How did I truly believe I could make it on my own. I then begin to cry and yell, I need guidance for I can't do it alone. Then as if you had been shadowing me the whole time you return to me and the sight of your outstretched hand is the most comforting thing I have ever seen. Its power and strength flow to me and we begin our journey again.
So I pray that you will cleanse me of my prideful nature and teach me the meaning of humility so I will not leave you. For I have strayed many times believing in my own understanding. Such a lonely road that is.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
Today I realized many things I have not before. First I have been humbled. A lesson I needed as I realized now one of my greatest enemies in my walk is hubris or more aptly named pride. And like the Greek tragedies of old I have fallen. Although this would not be the first. But I think this is the first time I finally learned what you have been trying to teach me for many years now. A humbleness of spirit, or a servants heart. I did not realize my self-righteous nature for I had lived with it so long that it became a part of me. I had given it many names, that I was blunt, outspoken, telling it like it is. Yet what I was doing was putting myself on a pedestal, one of my own creation. Now that my pedestal has crumbled I'm left on the cold hard floor and I realize the falseness of my own superiority. So I call upon you that you may guide my steps.
Many people talk of there walk with you but I feel that anyone viewing our walk together would find it unsightly. For on this journey I am constantly stumbling, tripping, and falling and each time you slowly wait for me, encouraging me. Sometimes I fall and it seems to much so I cry in anguish that its to much, yet you still stop for me and grab my hand, gently helping me along. Sometimes I fall and I have no strength to carry on and you gently pick me up and cradle me in your arms till I have the strength to walk again. Other times the road becomes so dark that I can't see they way, you then grab my hand and with a squeeze reassure me that we will make it through. The darkness scares me and I hear things, sounds, temptations calling my name, yet I try to stay focused on the feeling of your hand because if I lose it I don't know if I could make it out of the darkness alone.
Then there are those rare times when we are walking in stride and you are showing me the beauty of the path we walk and things seem so much brighter, life has so much clarity. Then the voices return and call to me. Telling me to go faster and that I'm now strong enough to walk on my own. As I begin to pull ahead you call to me but I can't hear you. Soon I can no longer see you yet things seem to be going fine for a time, then I enter unfamiliar territory. I am no longer sure which way I am suppose to go but I continue on, confident that eventually I'll find the way. Things begin to get dark and I can no longer see the path. The air is cold and suddenly I realize the presence that guided me is gone. How could I have forgotten the one who had been leading me so far. How did I truly believe I could make it on my own. I then begin to cry and yell, I need guidance for I can't do it alone. Then as if you had been shadowing me the whole time you return to me and the sight of your outstretched hand is the most comforting thing I have ever seen. Its power and strength flow to me and we begin our journey again.
So I pray that you will cleanse me of my prideful nature and teach me the meaning of humility so I will not leave you. For I have strayed many times believing in my own understanding. Such a lonely road that is.
From,
Your Humbled Servant
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