04/03/2014

Dear God,

Two have things have been shown to me by your grace. The first is that I am a prideful creature and that this warrants constant vigilance in my path of humility. How easily my thoughts turn towards my own self glorification. Almost as if such an act was integral to my being. I caught myself constantly repenting for my prideful thoughts all day. At times like this I try to remember the sacrifice the Lord has made for me and how truly unworthy I am to receive to such tender and perfect grace. It is a daily struggle.

The second is that I was never truly thankful before. Audibly I would thank Him for waking me up, food, clothes on my back but in my heart I had come to expect such things. I expected to wake up in the morning, for the sun to rise, for there to be food in the kitchen, for both my parents to be alive, to have a roof over my head. Today for the first time I realized how fleeting such things are. I cried when I thought of the loss of my parents(which is most profound as I haven't cried in years, my heart hardened by sin, it wasn't until the last few weeks that God humbled me that I have been able to cry), I was humbled in thinking if food was unavailable to me, if God decided that this morning I won't wake up. I then began to see the beauty in the small things. I realized how much time I was wasting on distractions such as games, television, and the like. Today I spent the day with my father. We didn't do anything spectacular. I watched him pre-bowl for a tournament. I went with him to get his haircut. I then began to realize how many moments like this I had missed because I was too busy with some videogame, movie, television show, or too tired. Such things will be there in the future but the time with my parents is terminal and fleeting and every moment spent with them is precious.

Today I didn't talk much with my parents but I was present with them. The simple act of watching them is a gift of God for soon they will be taken from me and I will never(while on this earth) be able to see them again, to hold them, to interact with them, and I had been wasting such precious moments on frivolous things. How blessed am I to wake up and say "good morning mother" and for the first time I am truly thankful. Not just for my parents but for the many, many blessings God has given me that I had taken for granted. I pray that God continues to work in me, I pray that he will cleanse me white as snow for today I have stumbled and fallen and given in to sin. Yet again he leads and helps me up again, as patient as ever and I pray that I may learn from my past sins and become closer to Him.

From,
Your Humbled Servant