04/06/2014

Dear God,

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. -- Matthew 7:3-5

 
He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. -- Friedrich Nietzche

It is scary when one realizes that those you mocked, who you despise you have become. I had become a Pharisee. I had believed myself self-righteous and above others for not falling to certain temptations and would reproach others who did. Although in my mind I never saw myself as such. I believed myself doing Gods will and helping those who struggled. I have been reading the books The Enemy Within by Kris  Lundgaard and Overcoming Sin and Temptation by John Owen. Both dealing with indwelling sin. I realized when one believes all is well and doing Gods "will" is when one should be MOST vigilant against sin. When one is not fighting sin then sin is fighting you.

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. --Luke 9:23
  
I realize now that when ever I prayed or felt God's presence I felt that I had "won" over sin. That whatever was battling my soul had lost. This is when I let my guard down, and sin in its tenacious manner came against me and I end up back where I started, wondering how I could fall for the same things all over again. Now I realize that one must be vigilant daily. Sin doesn't take a break, or "lose". Also the only way to fight such is through God's grace, his Holy Spirit. In error I had thought if I "acted" a certain way or spent so much time doing "Godly things" that I could conquer sin and its temptations. I am slowly learning how to give myself to God. For so long I tried to be independent, that through my sheer will I could change things, and after failing time and time again I think I'm slowly starting to understand. How much lighter the burden is when you are not alone. May I not stray from you again.

From,
You Humbled Servant